Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. Reddit.com, If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that all sales are vinyl. Well, he really gets a kick out of it. ._38lwnrIpIyqxDfAF1iwhcV{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);border:none;height:1px;margin:16px 0}._37coyt0h8ryIQubA7RHmUc{margin-top:12px;padding-top:12px}._2XJvPvYIEYtcS4ORsDXwa3,._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:54px;width:54px;font-size:54px;line-height:54px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px;background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:36px;width:36px}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn{margin:auto 0 auto auto;padding-top:10px;vertical-align:middle}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn ._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp i{color:unset}._2bWoGvMqVhMWwhp4Pgt4LP{margin:16px 0;font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px}.icon.tWeTbHFf02PguTEonwJD0{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:top}._2AbGMsrZJPHrLm9e-oyW1E{width:180px;text-align:center}.icon._1cB7-TWJtfCxXAqqeyVb2q{cursor:pointer;margin-left:6px;height:14px;fill:#dadada;font-size:12px;vertical-align:middle}.hpxKmfWP2ZiwdKaWpefMn{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active);background-size:cover;background-image:var(--newCommunityTheme-banner-backgroundImage);background-position-y:center;background-position-x:center;background-repeat:no-repeat;border-radius:3px 3px 0 0;height:34px;margin:-12px -12px 10px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-bottom:8px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6>*{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle}.t9oUK2WY0d28lhLAh3N5q{margin-top:-23px}._2KqgQ5WzoQRJqjjoznu22o{display:inline-block;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;position:relative}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE{-ms-flex:1 1 auto;flex:1 1 auto;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE:hover{text-decoration:underline}._19bCWnxeTjqzBElWZfIlJb{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;display:inline-block}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8{margin-left:10px;margin-top:30px}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8._35WVFxUni5zeFkPk7O4iiB{margin-top:35px}._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp{padding:0 2px 0 4px;vertical-align:middle}._2BY2-wxSbNFYqAy98jWyTC{margin-top:10px}._3sGbDVmLJd_8OV8Kfl7dVv{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;margin-top:8px;word-wrap:break-word}._1qiHDKK74j6hUNxM0p9ZIp{margin-top:12px}.Jy6FIGP1NvWbVjQZN7FHA,._326PJFFRv8chYfOlaEYmGt,._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj,._1cDoUuVvel5B1n5wa3K507{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;margin-top:12px;width:100%}._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj{margin-bottom:8px}._2_w8DCFR-DCxgxlP1SGNq5{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:middle}._1aS-wQ7rpbcxKT0d5kjrbh{border-radius:4px;display:inline-block;padding:4px}._2cn386lOe1A_DTmBUA-qSM{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:10px}._2Zdkj7cQEO3zSGHGK2XnZv{display:inline-block}.wzFxUZxKK8HkWiEhs0tyE{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);cursor:pointer;text-align:left;margin-top:2px}._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0{display:none}.yobE-ux_T1smVDcFMMKFv{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._1vPW2g721nsu89X6ojahiX{margin-top:12px}._pTJqhLm_UAXS5SZtLPKd{text-transform:none} What does the word contemplate mean? the college student asked his English professor. These jokes are a fantastic selection of humorous jokes about football that are clean and entertaining. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting. After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctors office. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? How to be witty and win anyone over]. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. Me: Do you think this is the right career for you? Maybe youll find a brain back there., 45. And what was that? Its just as I thoughtyou dont know.Submitted by Gene Newman. ._3bX7W3J0lU78fp7cayvNxx{max-width:208px;text-align:center} We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. A nervous wreck. It read, Mr. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?Submitted by Bill Warren. Wow these drinks are big!, The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.. This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. How does NASA organise a party? He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. and the one on the right is where I go to church., The man sneers, Thats the church I used to attend!, Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing., Theres a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. Brand: Top Craft Case. I cant, says the poodle. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! They get really upset. Who knows, we might be able to! Dont miss this roundup of thefunniest one-liners on the Internet. You couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, He couldn't get his hole in a barrel of fannies._3K2ydhts9_ES4s9UpcXqBi{display:block;padding:0 16px;width:100%} The shaken turtle replies, I dont know. Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. After a few minutes, the bird yells, Wheres my scotch? You'll walk away feeling victorious! Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, Hi, Ken. [Read: Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind]. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and cola.". Next, he moves into the dining room. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. A: Lavion rose. 80. If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. Well! responds the friend. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. You could break a ball bearing with a rubber mallet. Its not a gong. 2023 Readers Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. He was just going through a stage. ", "Studies show that women who carry extra weight live longer than men who bring it up.". I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. Weeks? You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. Obviously, use them only when the conversation gets out of control and the other person stoops to insults. I would love to insult you, but I wouldnt do as well as nature did, 50. Thats exactly the effect you want to have! BEWARE OF DOG! Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. 71. Good players are hard to find. How ironic that teasing is something that can both enhance connection and sever it. Ive found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. Uncle Ben has died. Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. The little boy replied, With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!. Sharri82 5 yr. ago. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. ._1QwShihKKlyRXyQSlqYaWW{height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:bottom}._2X6EB3ZhEeXCh1eIVA64XM{margin-left:3px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;padding:0 4px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;margin-left:0;padding:0 4px}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;box-sizing:border-box;line-height:14px;padding:0 4px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH,._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{display:inline-block;height:16px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-body);border-radius:50%;margin-left:5px;text-align:center;width:16px}._2cvySYWkqJfynvXFOpNc5L{height:10px;width:10px}.aJrgrewN9C8x1Fusdx4hh{padding:2px 8px}._1wj6zoMi6hRP5YhJ8nXWXE{font-size:14px;padding:7px 12px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y{border-radius:20px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:hover{opacity:.85}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:active{transform:scale(.95)} A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. I told them: I understand. Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? None, I replied. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." Fo drizzle! If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?. The bartender shakes his head. Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. It can reflect how well you know your partner. Toughest job I ever had? Honey, whats for supper?. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. I think my friend is dead! he yells. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. How did you do it? he asked. Submitted by Ken MacKay. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. What do you call a fake noodle? How are you feeling? she asks. Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. ' @woodyluvscoffee. Honey, whats for supper? No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his drivers license. Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadnt made any plans, and trying to figure out how the hell you hurt your back., 31. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? atlantic beach zoning map; torvill and dean routines list; sync only some activity types from garmin to strava He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit., Im not surprised, the head monk says. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. Teasing in and of itself is not always negativein fact, in many circumstances, it is wonderful. Spell elephant,' the older one said. With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. What are you doing? the baffled psychiatrist asked. Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now Im the proud owner of aisle seven. @domesticgoddss, My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. 3. He never lets me forget that. You never know when you might kneed these jokes. Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean? He texts back, I dont know, love you and talk to you later. The mom replies, Its OK, dont worry about it. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. Im addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following you.. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. These smartass quotes about breakups are sure to help you out. Still, Id like you to mail me the results., A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctors office. If you're loving these science jokes, you'll get a kick out of these math jokes too. Men are like Blackberries. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot some birds. I dont wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. What did the left eye say to the right eye? A young monk arrives at the monastery. After a few moments, Bill says, "Hurry up . Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because theyve found their inner peas. New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office. He was a great vet. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. How do you get two whales in a car? Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes. You call me a bitch. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! They hurt my feelings. A. P., via e-mail. When Im done, poof! (Consider yourself warned! Ill ask your sister. Is that you?. Dont worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal., 22. One in 1. @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. 49 ($1.68 $1.68 / Fl Oz) Savings Get any 3 for $39.99 Shop items. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? And how long has it been since your last confession?, I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smiths door and says, Theres been an accident at the brewery. I really thought you already knew. [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted], 41. Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. I just couldnt do it anymore. Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. Try these funny birthday jokes! Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? Sometimes life leads you astray with no one to turn to. I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because Im still looking for ideas., 8. Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. A dog is a bitch, dogs bark. A gorgeous blonde. 17. Driver: "Isn't it your job to tell me?". He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?, A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be, How to Talk to Your White Male Partner About Race, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you. Bill Murray, 14. Jim nervously mimicked her. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. A receding hare-line. He seems fine now, says the vet. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. Youll just end up looking comedic and thats not what were going for here. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? ' Tim Vine. They planet. Dont miss these hilarious real life prank stories! I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. All rights reserved. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Submitted by Reid Faylor. I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. I said 40. 79. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. Shut up with the back talk, because if I wanted lip from you, Id sit on your face L.A. Casey, Dominic [Read: 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to], 11. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. We recommend our users to update the browser. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. Nasty ex sniffing around? You wont look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts! A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while theyre camping? Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.Submitted by Mary Buoye, Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. This is my first day driving a cab. I take that as a compliment. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! Why dont you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie. 10. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears. A blind man visits Texas. This is my step ladder. Well get ready, because Im about to be gorgeous., 27. You should be seeing a psychiatrist, The guys replies, I am seeing a psychiatrist., The dentist says, Well then what are you doing here?. 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley Pack your stuff, they're waiting. Your mileage may vary. Being broken up with. He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. Keep rolling your eyes. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. We missed the R! ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones. Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet? asks one. Hes only got little legs. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. Your secrets are always safe with me. It will be a low key funeral. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge. He never had a chance!, The man says, I dont know about that. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice. Will that cleanse my sin from me? No, but itll wipe that stupid smile off your face.Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You wont be able to un-see these funny stock photos. Snake 2: I dont know. Now he wont come when I call him. Well, the hut one on the left is where I live, says the man. Friend making bad life choices? Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Well well wellif it isnt autocorrect. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Want to grab a drink? he asks the centipede, but theres no answer from the box. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. Menu. Rub one ball and everything moves.". Did you hit him with the golf club? Yes, I did, sobs the woman. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. It doesnt have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out thesefunny math jokes! "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasnt. Me: 2011. After a few moments, Bill says, Hurry up, Messy Bessy, we dont have all night. Jenna feels her cheeks flush and her eyes fill with tears. Dont go through life unprepared! My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: Windows frozen! His wife texts back, Pour lukewarm water over it. Five minutes later he replies: Computer completely messed up now.Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. Local man killed by falling piano. Now what do you want? the woman asks. Sweatin' like a whore in . Whats a Queen without her King? After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. Want to turn someones frown upside down? Youre it! That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. Me: Yes. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. George, everyone who sees it there will know what youre doing, she told him in front of their church group. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarahs house and left it there all night. God says, No. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.. If you smile whilst youre giving your smartass quote, youre going to take away its power. Submitted by Andre Batista. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over!, No! the woman yelled back, Cardigan! Reddit.com, I quit my job working for Nike. Violators will be extracted. Submitted by Helen McNair, My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan. I found them. It's my first time too. I can only please one person a day. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. A carrot. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. 14. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. Will I die? she asks. All jokes aside, I am so grateful for you" A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. Good Comebacks 1. Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.Anonymous. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. All it was doing was gathering dust. @dadsaysjokes. So I had to put my foot down. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Well done, you managed to deliver the perfect insult or smartass line. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora. The jury comes back with the verdict. A labracadabrador. ._12xlue8dQ1odPw1J81FIGQ{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle} Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. And what about your strengths? Im Batman.Anonymous, After security tackles you on the red carpet? I was always told it was piss in the boot. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. In fact, people love sarcasm, which makes it a great outlet to get all of that pent-up resentment out while slapping a smile on your face. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process.